It’s always there just fucking lurking waiting for 3:25am, It’s know it’s something I have to deal with myself, a personal gap, something I have to fix myself rather than searching for external things to fill it for me.
It’s so easy to fill that gap with something addictive, eg. alcohol, cigarettes, but the most addictive and distracting thing is undoubtedly a person. So I’ll throw my heart on the line for a stranger and i’ll be too full on trying to fill that gap and it does, it really does fill that gap, that security of knowing that you’re loved and you have someone to love, doesn’t matter who, but eventually I know it isn’t real and I selfishly push it away.
I’m just so fucking sensitive, either feel everything or nothing at all, and I have so much fucking love to give I just need to understand that I need to give a little to myself.
Now she just comes in waves, even when I’m not lonely something could remind me of her, a train ride alone almost feeling her there next to me tracing an outline of her imagining she’s there, even in the arms of someone else I could miss her, I can’t get rid of her. I admit I don’t want to get rid of her, I want to keep this old version of her alive in me so much that It’s like piecing together a broken mirror but the cracks are still there and my hands are bloodied no matter what I do I can’t bring her back she’s gone forever, and she’s never coming back no matter what I do.
I just want to say ‘you were the most beautiful thing i’d ever seen, I miss you and I miss everything about you and I’m tired of pretending that I don’t and trying to forget that I love you. I still think about you, and I want you to think about me, and I want you to be happy, and I don’t want you to forget me and I want you to taste me like salt in your mouth every time you go somewhere we’ve been, I keep having these dreams that you’re with me just smiling back at me, I can’t stop loving you, I want to stop loving you, I want to forget you, but I can’t. I’ve changed so much in just these few months’ but although those words mean so much to me, they wouldn’t mean anything to her, and that’s understandable and I respect that.
But I still would do anything to see her smile the way she used to smile at me, and I would do anything for her to remember how that felt but she forgets a little more each day that I remember, I would do anything to go back and just relive those moments with her again and hold her hand for the first time and kiss her for the first time. She was special, she always will be special. I don’t think she ever realised how much she meant to me, and I don’t think I did at all until I understood she was gone for good, I can’t help but feel if I would have just communicated a little more and been more understanding I could’ve saved this and I wouldn’t have put myself through all this pain, but at the same time I wouldn’t change it because I want her to be happy and I know a good person is making her happy right now. I wasn’t making her happy she didn’t deserve the way I was treating her and she didn’t deserve the way it ended either, but I miss her so much sometimes…
I accept that I didn’t deserve her, but maybe someone out there deserves me.